so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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