You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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