you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
