im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
