I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
