Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
