you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
