My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
