dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
