so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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