jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
