I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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