so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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