I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
