Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There's always time for handjobs
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
