I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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