I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
