I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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