i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
