I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
