her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
