Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
