my room smells like sperm. sweet.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
