My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
