I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
