you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
