you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
