Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
