I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Is Oprah even human
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
