I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
