Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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