When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
