You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
