"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
