Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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