wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
