he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
