DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
