pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
