the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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