i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
