I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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