you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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