i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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