im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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