Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
