weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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