Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems