Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
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Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
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There's a naked man in my car right now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?