i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?