whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
