Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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