how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize