And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
