my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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