I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
