this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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