I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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