went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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