I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Please, let me fuck your mom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
