I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
