I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
