Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
