My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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