Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
